yo im fucking bored. seriously. i say i hate my job and maybe i do. but i just think that i hate not haveing anything to do. because when i have shit to do i dont hate it as much. but too many days are just like today in which people come to me with 'all this work' to do, and i do it in about a half hour if i work super slow just to make it last. but im trying to be proactive about it and go out looking for a better job now since i have the choice to be picky about it. because i have a job now so im in no rush and there is no emergency. so we'll see how this works out. itd be cool if it did but i dont call the shots. as that chick in the new Prince of Persia says 'look at the wind, its free to blow where it wants, but the sand only goes where its told' brilliant.

(did he seriously try to post something serious than quote a video game?)

ah indeed. because it perfectly illustrates my next point. kind of. because as i sit and think and talk to people and grow and learn i start to feel guilty a bit. not like in anyway that haunts me. but more like it makes me fill silly or lame. because i guess its just upbringing. always growing up in 'the church' and than going to a 'christian' college. they break things up so black and white. like 'this music is christian, this isn't' 'these words are okay to say, these arent' 'this is a christian movie, this isn't, and this one isnt either BUT its clean enough that we can use it in our sermons and analogies to sound cool and hip: i.e. remember the titans, rudy, nepoleon dynomite' -- and you go to churches and they say 'this type of music is G-dly' but 'this isn't' 'hymns are better than praise bands' and blah blah blah. and this is one reason i think that the church is slowly going the way of the buffalo...get it, thats the name of an MxPx album...a 'christian band' oh man im so funny...

so as much as you try to fight it i guess it really does sink in a bit you know. and i start to feel bad or guilty when i feel like im learning all of these things from G-d and about G-d and about me. and me and Him...but none of them really have been coming from the 'bibe' or hymns or any of that shit. or 'purpose driven life' or donald miller or anything. but theyve been coming from music of all sorts and movies and tv shows. from Muslims and Believers.

and i guess i just feel like 'well shouldnt we hear these things from The Bible' and that. and dont get me wrong but im sure if i spent nearly the time reading the Bible as i do listening to music and playing games and watching House than id see all sorts of new things. but i guess if Jesus himself has said that if everyone else was quiet even the rocks and stones would cry out. and maybe they are. maybe all this talking people are doing and sermons this and that arent really shouting as loud as the rocks and the stones. the rock-and-roll. ZING!

but maybe im so anti-church and anti-christian (something i undoubtedly should work on correcting in some way) that i make myself deaf in that setting but open myself to everything else. to try and prove a point or something who knows the ways my brain and 'heart' work. but thats the thing why do i feel like im cheating or 'back-sliding' or just doing something bad. but really i 'think' that im just thinking for myself. and that also i feel is leading me closer to G-d than ive ever been...but its also the farthest ive ever been from church. and that feels wrong. but not in a way thats deep inside that makes me want to get back to church or anything. because i dont actually think im doing something wrong. i guess its just i feels like im being bad you know.

but when i hear in churches how my relationship to G-d is like the rooms of a house or they sing a songs with lines like 'im trading in my sorrows for the joy of the Lord' i dont get anything from it. but all of a sudden im watching House and hes talking about a patient that is blind but his brain doesnt recognize that he's blind and so he thinks he can see...but he cant. that hits me. and im like 'fuck, thats me! dear G-d let me open my eyes and see. let me learn!' or i play prince of persia and that hot chick says that thing about wind and sand and i just get it. and i feel open to be directed like the grain of sand that i am. and Sufjan sings about being just as bad as John Wayne Gacey and Breece Pancake sees his minor lies being just as bad in the eternal sence as rape and murder. fucking brilliant right! and denis johnston singing 'and when the sun shines down on me, i want to feel like i deserve it' man oh man. and that scene in The Boy Detective Fails when Billy asks this arch nemesis 'how can you do such bad things' and he goes 'its so much easier to do bad things, how can you not?' like its more out of place for someone to do good than bad. wow. wow. wow.

but why not right. who cares about if they are a 'christian' or not. or if they believe in G-d...who cares! G-d can use anyone or anything right. why shouldnt i see G-d in that. see G-d in House and Daniel Johnston. right. why not just erase all preconceived notions from my head and just start from scratch. and can anything teach me and point me to G-d that is NOT from G-d in the first place.

its like with churches, i feel, you have to like check your brain at the door. that they've spoken so much about 'blind faith' or just faith in general that we think that ACTUALLY THINKING is wrong. as if our feeble brains, if we think, can uncover something. something bad. like G-d only exists if we DONT think about Him or some shit. so its like to go to church and to sing those songs and listen to the sermon you almost have to make yourself ignorant right. because ignorance is faith? i dont think they are the same thing. like we all need to float and flow in the same direction...but like all dead fish flow in the same direction...is that good? to be a dead fish?

like in House when Foreman wants to quit because House 'abuses him' when he makes a mistake. and the other doctors dont. and House clarifies that he HOlDS FOREMAN ACCOUNTABLE. but so much of us want to go to a church that doesn't 'abuse us' rather than hearing the Truth and being glad that maybe our bind eyes are starting to be cured. we want a place that goes 'aw its okay, you're really a good person inside. dont worry'...

AH! but dont get clever on my friends. because when i hear sermons of fire and brimstone i get just as equally angry because i guess they aren't doing it with any real concern or Love. you know. they are just going 'you guys are bad, listen to me i have everything ironed out. you're perverted (but im not - and those who are with me, join me and let us look down on everyone else)' because thats really what they are saying. and i just want to scream for them to go fuck themselves or suck a dick because they're just as bad as John Wayne Gacey too!

like that stupid myspace survey and that one question is about being forgiving or if we forgive too easily and people want to put 'yes' and 'i am too forgiving' ha! what is that? am i the only person that knows that i dont forgive shit! i might say i do. and we shake and hug and make up but its always there. not even in my subconscious either. its just always there! and i can bring it up at anytime to justify my own behavior back at you...but you know what maybe im wrong...but how many people do this

'well i always seem to be putting other people first...its about time im a little selfish...' ah but does it really work like that?

but josh aren't you falling into those same categories. hell yes i am! and please if you go to church and you think about what youre singing and you really are moved and you leave effected and you think of G-d and learn and die and grow than please dont listen to me. and know i am glad. you do what i can't and if you are happy and in love with where you're at and G-d than who am i to try and rob you of that. its like Kant's things. that Catagorical Imperative - if everyone did what i did would the world be a better place?

Hell no! the world would be full of false humility and liars -- people who thinks they're so much better and wiser than everyone else. people who arent open to new music and movies. people who wonder 'why dont they get it' people who hold the hand of their girlfriends and think 'we're so far above them' ha! brothers and sisters dont read it like that! i try to only write things i see in myself that need to be worked out and burned away.

but its a denial of these thoughts that lead us to look down on someone for drinking or liking and dating this person and that person. to say 'i thought they were a christian but they did this, or do that so i dont really know' and we go on hugging people at church but than saying 'i cant be your friend' or better yet a justification...those are my favorite 'you're just hurting yourself and i cant be around that. i cant support that' or 'i love the sinner but hate the sin' fucking bullshit! really. thats why churches become almost like a country club because they want a place to go thats safe from the outside world. AND I UNDERSTAND people wanting to be surrounded by other peolpe that feel the way they do and think similar. its safe and warm and a good escape. okay but should we make it exclusive? no outsiders welcome. we're learning about G-d but you can't cause you do bad things...HA! who doesnt?! and who better in need to learn?! the sick need a doctor not the healthy right. brothers, but who amoung us aren't sick?!

everyone is in such a race to 'save' people. saving people is G-ds business. not ours right...

so whats the answer? what are we to do?

i dont know. Lord knows i dont. but may we learn. all of us. and may we one day find out. and look to G-d (even if we dont mean to) because Truth is Truth no matter what right. if something is True you can prove it wrong...otherwise it was never True. but if G-ds wisdom is infinite and only his spoken words make the Universe and Planets. what makes US think that if we start thinking for ourselves or aren't purposely ignorant that we can disprove wisdom like that. seriously.

what am i saying anymore? i dont even know. im actually kind of blinding by how bad i have to go to the bathroom right now. i thought i could hold it till i have all my ideas down and organized. but really i cant even think and i dont want to come back and try to get back into the mood so ill end it here i guess...

'give me a scene where the music is free and the beer is not the life of the party...' -- Against Me!



See you space cowboy,
joshua eric.

so ive been thinking about love and marriage a lot recently. but not the way it sounds -- well maybe if you know me and how i think then youd know how i mean that so its exactly how it sounds. but those ideas have been surrounding me more than ever it seems with new relationships starting around me. some going strong for over a year (and more) and friends and relatives and coworkers all engaged and planning weddings, including my own sister. and i have friends that just broke up and some the still pining away for lost loves and ex's that are married and divorced in less than a year and other friends 'waiting for marriage' and i just kind of like fry after he drinks his 100th cup of coffee and everything goes white and hes looking around him soaking it all in.

and my biggest question is what is marriage?

silly maybe. but think about it yourself and ill explain what i mean --

when does marriage take place? im sure you can scoff or say im just looking for 'justifications' for my
own thoughts or behaviors or beliefs or whatnot. or im just being a dick and a pain in the ass. you know.
but i think about that and im not really sure. because what is marriage? i dont think its a piece of paper
or a church or a ceremony or anything like that. but like a state of mind and being. a promise you make
to G-d first and foremost and than your wife than yourself. BUT the choice and promise IS marriage. fuck!
i dont know how to explain this. okayokayokay -- When are you married? maybe thats a better starting question.

is it when you are standing up in front of all your friends and loved ones and 'G-d' and you profess it?
(but i dont get why you put quotes around G-d?) because isn't G-d always around? aren't you always standing
in front of him. doesn't he know your confessions and prefessions more that anyone else ever could. more
than you do or ever could? does G-d care about an 'earthly marriage?' when does marriage start?

when the priest/pastor/judge says i permit you man and wife or his 'by the power invested in me'
what got me thinking about this is that G-d is all powerful. i believe this to be true above all things.
So how does he bow down to a piece of paper or the Government. does the state of new york tell G-D
the father of Jesus and creator of the World, and known and unknown Universe, the One who creates
worlds from Speaking. the One who created Light before the Sun was ever in existance--when you are married?

as if they have more power over G-d?! G-d only recognizes your marriage because a State Government tells Him He should...does this make sense? and if a couple isn't married by a pastor or in a church does that not
constitute in marriage?

hypothetically -- a man and woman get married, they've been married for over a year they have sex on their
wedding night and have a kid within that year. than they find out that whoever married them wasnt really
qualified. maybe a disgraced priest or pastor or a head of ceremonies wasnt really certified. so their wedding
didnt technically count. are they married? did that have 'premarital sex' and a child out of wedlock?

oh brother! what a stupid question?! its ridiculous. now youre just looking for loopholes or justification...

but still, are/where they married? when did that marriage take place?

i think that marriage is a state of your...hmmm, not heart because my heart is probably the worst thing
in my body. wicked and deceptive (who can trust it?!) its lead me astray more times that i can or care to
count. but marriage is a state of being. a state of your "heart" and your mind. your commitment to your
significant other - doesnt your marriage start long before your ceremony and your engagement. couldnt
even start before your dating starts.

ah yes 1 Corinthians 13, the most quoted and misunderstood passage in the bible. fuck mandy moore and her
stupid walk to forget. people spouting this off at every wedding and never knowing what it means. its just
what everyone says and what ive always heard. lame. okay okay isnt marriage a choice you make. and once
that choice is made isnt that when the marriage starts? and Love with a capital L really is a choice that cant be changed. a pardox of sorts maybe. a choice you make, but if you break it...youve never really made it in the first place.

i mean i can be wrong. and maybe i am. probably i am. because who can fully know the ways of G-d? certainly not me!! least of all me. but why not dive into it. dive into Him and think for ourselves?

its like Wall*E (really brother? the cartoon? G-d is like Wall*E) no. well kind of. but no. although i heard in arabic Wali is name for G-d meaning Friend. but still thats besides the point. ... yes yes Wall*E - if youve ever seen it i dont know. but i liked it a lot. one scene in particular. when you first meet people in the movie we see that they are floating around in these chairs fat and immobile by low gravity and generations of it. and so they float around and there is a screen in front of them that shows them everything and they never have to work for it or move at all. they dont have to think. and the thing is the pool. thats what killed me. they see that the ship they are on has a pool. and the screen shows them the pool. it shows them the water and the pool and tells them they can swim in it. but its flat. the whole thing. but thats all they know. than when Wall*e accidently turns off the screen they see the world for the first time. But when they see the pool they see that it has 3 dimensions. and you swim in the pool and dive into it and splash and get wet and laugh and have joy. and where as the screen showed them the pool in whole and didnt lie to them about it it didnt encourage to dive in it. it said where it was but thats it. and when they saw it in person and the depth and the water and floating and splashing they loved it. and they splashed around in it. and i feel like thats G-d. we go to church or school or whatever and they tell us all about G-d and Jesus but its all flat. and for generations thats all we know and think. is a flat 2 demensional G-d and we dont dive in and splash around we just are okay in reading it and
repeating what our parents say and our pastors say without ever thinking about it for ourselves. as if thats a sin. its a sin to wonder and learn or to not trust a pastor. or a priest. like thats a sin. a lack of faith. but again, like marriage, what makes them 'holy'? what makes them know more about G-d than we do? a piece of paper from a college? why do we feel guilty splashing in the pool and why do all pool seem to say 'no diving' 'no splashing' why cant we think for ourselves? why not question the church and our parents. what is True is True no matter how much we look at it and bend it and stress it. why just float downstream like deadfish? Let's dive in right?!

hmm, Wall*E...Marriage? ah yes! Love. last but certainly not least!

Sometimes i feel a little nervous. maybe not nervous, but guilty is a better word. i talk to people and they go spouting off turning every sentence and story about their boyfriend or girlfriend. or you hang out with them and talk to them together and they cant keep their hands off each other and they kiss and nibble each others ears and kiss necks as your talking. and i dont comment her page a million times with i love yous and hearts and all that. and it makes me laugh actually. but i feel guilty sometimes because i dont do that with jess. nor do i care too. and i think she understands and feels the same. but it makes you think sometimes like why dont i still have that feeling you can 'actually feel' in my stomach when we're together or when she calls or texts. like i dont get nervous and butterflyish. like it just seems like, comfortable maybe. or like no big deal because its just what happens and like things are where they should be so it doesnt feel special, it just feels normal and right. i know that sounds cheesy but i dont know. like what is love? hmm Love is a better word, capital L. and i started to think about that. and i think about how H.R. Stoneback said 'Romance kills marriages' perfect right. because those feelings are fleeting. butterflies fly away. and things just seem normal. commonplace. they way they should. and so there needs to be more there. and i think about when we were in nyack and jess tried to say something but other people needed to be the center of attention so they kept cutting her off, and so i couldnt help but cut them off so she could finish because the thought of her feeling embarassed or like no one was listening when i know how much she works to not be a shy jerk and it makes me feel like my hearts breaking. literally. or how when she follows me on sunrise and its pouring all i want is for her exit to come up so she can get off this road and onto a safer and slower one. and how you never want her to feel embarassed or sad ever again. and of course i know it just seems that im saying 'look at what i do for her' or man im such a good boyfriend or any of that shit. because Lord knows i could be better. oh G-d i could. and my i never stop thinking that. or working towards that. i could listen more when she talks. or not get so distracted by a tv or a video game. i could let her listen to more of her music more or make a point of watching harry potter with her. and i could call her beautiful. G-d i dont do that enough. im sure we've talked about it though at some point because i probably talk to her about my faults and OCD thoughts until she's pulling out her hair.

But you know when Charlie in Perks is so sad but he doesnt want to cry because it takes away from whenever he cries for his Aunt. its like that but in reverse. its like in past relationships ive thrown that word around too much. maybe even 'love' too but i think of the girls ive called Beautiful. and now they really aren't. how they lie and cheat and do drugs and drink till they blackout and i hate that i would then tie them into her. silly i know. but its like getting your girlfriend a gift you got an ex. thats terrible right. and its like you wish there is another that means the same thing. like Life Aquatic how 'stevesy' doesnt mean the same as 'dad' and 'papa steve' is close but its just not the same. 'oh jess you're as beautiful as the day is long...oh and like my ex that stole all those pills from my dad than took my car and did all that coke in the middle of the night after i unknowingly lied to one of my best friends about itall' i feel like thats how it feels -- beauty's just another word im never certain how to spell

i dont know maybe this whole thing is just rambling. or maybe its a confession or sorts. or maybe its almost 2 oclock and its a lot harder to stay so hardboiled about things. or my bed seems so cold and big and empty that ill probably just sleep on the futon. more like a confession i guess. and an apology. a moan of creation -- oh there i go showing off again...

this is so long.
i finished that Denis Johnson book of short stories Jesus' Son. hot damn it was great. i usually hate books about drugs and heroin. but its was so Honest. and his line about always needing the TV on when he makes love to his girlfriend almost killed me because i thought of whenever i do pray (once every leap day, about) that the TV is usually on. is it my fear of being that extra intimate with G-d. but when isn't the TV on during important moments in my life.

what am i even saying.

OMG i love you! comment back. PC for PC default!
joshua eric.

Barry Hannah has a collection of short stories called Airships. and the first story of that collection is called Water Liars. and the whole story is about this man who is sitting by a river thinking about the day after he turned 34 and he writes

'On the morning after my birthday party, during which I and my wife almost drowned in vodka cocktails, we both woke up to the making of a truth session about the lovers we'd had before we met each other. I had a mildly exciting and usual history, and she had about the same, which surprised me. For ten years she'd sworn I was the first. I could not believe her history was exactly equal with mine. It hurt me o think that in a era when there were supposed to be virgins she had allowed anyone but me, and so on.'

and while he's down at this river he's listening to old men tell stories, all lies, about fishing. silly lies and stories about preachers catching fifty or more white perch big as small pumpkins on a bare hook with no bait. than there was this younger man with all the older ones:

"Worst time in my life," said a new, younger man, maybe sixty but with the face of a man who had surrendered, ' me and Woody was fishing. Had a lantern. It was about eleven. We was catching a few fish but rowed on into that little cove over there near town. We heard all these sounds, like they was ghosts. We was scared. We thought it might be the Yazoo hisself. We known of some fellows the Yazoo had killed to death just from fright. It was the over the sounds of what was normal human signin and amoanin. It was big unhuman sounds. We just stood still in the boat. Ain't nuthin else us to do. For thirty minutes.'

'An what was it?' said the old geezer, letting himself off the rail.
' we had a big flashlight. There came up this ruslin in the brush and I beamed it over there. The two of em makin the sounds get up with half they clothes on. It was my own daughter Charlotte and an older guy I didn't even know with a mustache. My own daughter, and them sounds over the water scarin us like ghosts.'
'My Gawd, that's awful,' said the old geezer by the rail. 'Is that the truth? I wouldn't've told that. That's terrible.'
Sidney Farte was really upset.
'This ain't the place!' he said. 'Tell your kind of story somewhere else.' "

the story goes on for a paragraph and tells how the main guy and that older man become friends after this story is told...and the last line of the whole story goes

We were both crucified by the truth.

i still remember when i read that story. it almost knocked me over. really. even writing this down made my stomach a little sick. but i tell you this because it's all right there-- We were crucified by the truth.

honesty is never comfortable. and it often makes you feel and sound like a jerk. but why? simple -- because we're all jerks. we are. and people lie so hide that fact. just read that. me saying we're all jerks. i sound like such a dick for saying that...but its honest. people are scared of that. because it does crucify us. people want comfort. and lying is comfortable. honesty is not. ah but some nights i thirst for real blood. some nights you thirst for real blood. most people dont. they dont want to learn that they are jerks because they dont want to change. they dont want to grow. they dont want to dive deep into themselves and realize that we're all the scum of the earth. not a single one of us is worth a damn. but why let that get us down. why be afraid of it -- why not use it to learn and grow and even though we'll always be jerks at least we're trying.

this doesnt answer any question but maybe gives some insights. and i should be going but there is a definite difference between 'growing a pair' being meaner and not being walked on. a perfect example as cheesy as it might be is G-d. He has endless Love for us. whether we believe or not. and we keep telling him to fuck off every chance we get but he keeps loving us. and taking us back. BUT HE is the one in control of everything. the whole situation. He does NOT get walked on. but he's not mean. you know. there is a balance. may we never tire of the journey.

i dont know who is control of my life. i hope and pray and believe that G-d is. as you know. this way everything in my life is a blessing. everything that might seem bad or fucked up...isn't. its a blessing. and i am LUCKY enough to experience it and be alive. i was so depressed two years ago. why? because i didn't know how lucky i was to have gotten dumped by a drug addict. i didn't know how lucky i was that my heart was broken. just as you dont know how lucky and blessed you are to go through all the stuff you do. because suffering builds endurance and that gives us character. like in the movie Darjeeling Limited when Adrian Brody looks at Owen Wilson and all the scars on his face and simply goes - well it gives you a lot of character. what a perfect example. But its our nature to want to blame ourselves for everything. so we can punish ourselves when life is shitty but we can also pat ourselves on the back when our lives are good. as if we had anything to do with it. You didn't pick your awesome friends -- and they didn't pick you. we had nothing to do with it. Good or bad. thats what i think. I have no power over G-d. He gives me my friends. any wisdom. any good idea i have. he gives me laughter and pillows and shoes and smiles. and maybe he gives me my tears and my sadness and my bad ideas. but i only see them as tears and sadness and bad ideas because i am dumb. but really they are all blessings. but i could be wrong. ive been 'wrong' about so many things in my life. but i know i like everything in my life being brought about by a greater wisdom and endless Love. and of someone who is 100% there all the time. whether we want it or not. whether we believe it or not.

okay im going to jess' now.

A few people stood around trashcans with flames leaping up out of them and that sort of thing, mumbling and singing. The streetlamps and traffic lights had wire mesh screens over them.

I know there are people who believe that wherever you look, all you see is yourself. Episodes like this make me wonder if they aren't right.
from the story Dirty Wedding from Jesus' Son by Denis Johnson.

Mike i hope you dont mind me writing to you via live journal. but comments on posts limit the amount you can write. and i write a lot. i dont know if this will be real long and im hoping it wont. but itll be longer than a comment. but if it upsets you in anyway let me know and ill take it down. deal? deal.

First off, right away please know that i write this with nothing but friendship, love, and honesty. if anything
even remotely resembling anything other than that, please know its not supposed to be that way.

what caused me to write this was your response the the comments on your You Love a Stone post.
and one thing i feared reading it is that as much as you feel sick of being tired and you hate where you are
now. that deep down maybe in a place you dont see too clearly right now, that you dont hate it as much as
you think you do. thats why its so quick for you to, not in a mean way, dismiss advice or love offered to you.
you know.

like there is that difference between 'want' and 'want to want' you know. i dont know fully how to explain it.
but ill try to explain it a bit.

last year as ive told you before i was in a very very very similar place as you. like sunk in the quicksand, drowning,
underwater total darkness. and please know i am not exaggerating it. if you ever met me back then you wouldnt
believe it was me. to be honest. it was bad. and for a long time i would say how i wished it wasn't like this
and i wished i was happy and it went on and on (to the point of nausea) but i actually did next to nothing to
actually help myself. i would just listen to music. all day. but not on a stereo or anything. i would have my
headphones in constantly. even when i was alone in my room. all i would do is listen to music and watch scrubs
on dvd. it was real bad. i couldn't have the tv be on without scrubs playing. and id actually have to start the dvd
before i turned on the tv so instantly it was on. im serious. i dont know what that was to be honest. it was like
this crippling OCD. but thats all i did. and than it hit me one day. i dont really know exactly when it was. and i
wish i did so that i could give such a great specific example. but i just realized that all i would do is say how i
hated it and i wished it was different. and id say i didn't want to feel like that anymore. BUT really that whole time i should have been more honest with myself and said 'i want to want to not feel this way anymore.' because i actually was too comfortable there that all my saying 'i want to feel better' was just words. meaningless words because thats what you are supposed to say when your sad and it seems like no one else is. you know. but really in the end i was just wishing that i wanted to feel better. its like that Bright Eyes line:

"I’ll fight like hell to hide that I’ve given up" -- like we put more effort into fighting to keep ourselves down
than we ever do to help ourselves. -- you know.

and when i had that realization i just stopped wanting and wishing and actually just started doing. as lame as
that might seem. when a friend would call me up to hang out my insides would scream for me to stay home and
just stay in bed all day. dont hang out. you dont want to see anyone. SO feeling this way, i would make sure to
actually go and hang out with them. BECAUSE i didn't want to. because i wanted to stay home and i loved my
bed and sadness more than i loved them. but by going out and seeing them and laughing it helped. IT DID NOT
cure anything. at all. on its own. BUT it got me into the practice of being pro-active about fighting this depression. and im not going to lie to you at all. a lot of the time when i was with them, i just wanted to go home. i was borderline miserable. i would pull up and before i turned off my car i would want to go home. and i would hope that for some reason they weren't home so i could go home. but i stayed and hung out anyway
because i didn't want to. and after time i found that it helped me more than anything. not them our hanging out
BUT making myself fight it, rather than saying it but not meaning it.

and i also say this in regards to when you say you want to find what drives you. mike the only way any of us can
find that is to look for it. to search without getting tired of searching. dive down deep inside and find what gives you JOY. not happiness. not comfort. but JOY. but it wont find you. you have to find it. but its a journey the whole time. its not easy at all. thats why you cant tire of it. but you have to search. and it gets uncomfortable to dive down that deep. into the darkest parts of ourselves. but its incredibly rewarding.

mike i just wish above all things that you would really understand just how no alone you are. not only have i been there in every aspect and sense. in every word you describe. (truly again as ive been learning with my writings with aaron -- mike = josh) but also i cant even count the number of people i know that are or have been going through the same thing who also feel that they are alone too. and i dont say that to belittle what you are going through at all. but to let you know fully that you are not alone. at all.

and its my hope that sharing maybe a little bit of what i went through just a little over a year ago you can understand that where as it seems completely lost and hopeless that it is not. at all. from experience i am telling
you that nothing is lost. or too fucked that i cant be fixed. happiness isn't out of your reach. and brother if, as ive been learning myself, if we are the same person. if josh = mike than doesnt that show that the same thing is in your grasp too. the Light. the escape from the darkness. the climbing hand over hand out of the quicksand that pulls you down.

i dont know if this will help and i hope above all things that i didn't over step my bounds by putting this up. its just as im sure other people will agree - if you could see yourself as we see you you wouldnt think twice about any of this shit that pulls you down. you're fucking great. plain and simple. the end.

and i know you dont really share the same beliefs and im not trying to have some hidden agenda but i just want to share something with you that helped me a ton. there is this line in the bible when a prophet tells us to always remember that G-d is truly a G-d of the Valley just as much as He is G-d in the hills. and i found that very comforting when i was in the valley.

keep that head above water and always

carry the fire.

for awhile i've been kind of torn in a few different directions(in my mind that is)
because ive been trying to figure out how when i have G-d inside of me and Jesus
calls us to love our neighbor and even pray for them as well. but so often i get together
with people or talk to people and feel nothing. i dont feel hate, but i do just feel nothing.
and that doesnt comfort me at all. and in that aspect ive found that ive really noticed about
the show and book Dexter. not to give it anymore depth or meaning than it probably deserves
but we have to admire the honesty that he has. of course his life is constructed of pure lies
but thats not what im talking about. im talking about the honesty he has with himself. he fully
admits his numbness and his lack of love. in knows that hes a monster and doesnt try to justify
it or make it seem righteous as we do. oh how many times have i looked down at someone
judged them, their actions, their thoughts, their depth -- and convinced myself that it was okay
and right. and just. when clearly its not. and he doesnt do that. i wish we could do that. imagine
having a conversation and not sitting there smug and arrogantly thinking that only you know
the 'truth' or the 'whole story' or think that we are beyond learning or hearing truth, harsh truths
and helpful critiques from others. as if we're better than them. a trap that i find myself falling into
constantly -- a trap that ive dug for others as well. selah.

so my numbness verse my call to love and prayer - has really ripped me in different directions.
as if people are beyond prayer and compassion. just because they might do drugs or not believe
the way i do. just because they maybe are a celebrity or treated me badly in the past. but isnt that
just all the more reason to love and pray for them. what is my problem? that im human. yes but
maybe i shouldnt just use that as an excuse.

but yes the other aspect to this was thursday night. where as i realized a bit more about myself.
that i have a true passion for deeper conversations and deeper thinking. but i dont say that in
arrogance but in honesty. and yes i can talk about a ton of different things and laugh and joke.
i can talk about 'hows work' or 'have you heard this album' or 'seen this movie' i can gossip and
talk about the olympics but in the end i find it almost bores me. and i know it seems a silly thing
for me to say as i just earlier wrote about not looking down on people and im really not trying to
its just the truth that i feel that it all bores me because its all dancing around the real issue of
'why are we talking about this and nothing deeper?' it just seems silly to me.

and thats what i learned --

that maybe im not as numb as i fear. because i was sitting there on thursday night laughing and
joking and making fun of 'r's and china and joking about mike having the worst day ever and we
talked about tattoo dos-and-donts and people i dont know from a highschool i didnt go to. and i
learned not that i dont care or that im numb but i just get a bit bored by it. and if i could take everyone
there and one at a time just sit down and talked to them on a deeper level i would have loved that.
absolutely. and i think of that girl tracy that really brought me to that point of numbness at nicks party
and i think that if she wanted to talk on a deeper level than i wouldnt have felt the way i did. maybe i
would have i dont know. but i realized thursday that i wish i could have just talked to everyone there
but like really talked. about the things that count and that matter and that make us do the things we
do and think the things we think. and give something but also learn something. wouldnt it just be great
if we all did that more than we do. if i did that more than i do.

im going to go now
but ill end this one off by saying

Live!
and Love!

i feel like always in a perpetual state of exhaustion.
im always tired. i go to sleep tired, wake up tired, go to work
still exhausted until i get home, lie down and than hang out
with jess...exhausted. and it just repeats.

and this goes on and on...

and i cant shake it. i feel like i only eat and sleep because
you need to to survive. when was the last time i was really hungry.
or really awake? was there ever a time?
life is just strange -- where has everyone gone? Selah.

swept off...

but all at once too. and it feels like i have no friends. but not in that
sad depressed way of 'no one likes me' or anything like that. but
like i just woke up and was the only survivor of all my friends.
it's a weird feeling. like me and jess are walking The Road. and i just
wonder where everyone has gone. so busy with their phd's and selling
of parents houses. tours and work and recording new albums. new
girlfriends and new boyfriends. depressions and drugs. jobs in the city.
but all at once. not one by one. but just all at once. and im just left
standing here rubbing my eyes because i blinked and than nothing.
but why is this? im not sure. but it would be silly and foolish to think that
its for no reason. or just chance weird circumstances. it would be foolish,
i think, to assume that G-d was not behind this. but not in a punishment or
wrath way. but a 'listen my son, look whats going on, open your eyes...do you
see it? see what i am doing. what i am doing. are you learning what i want
you to learn?' why is everything stripped away now? all my distractions. all the
things that would grabbed my face and steered me this way, no no, this way.
everything is gone except for jess, exhaustion, a short temper, work...and G-d.
open my eyes! open my ears! open my mouth! show me! tell me! what do you
want to have my time and attention. what are you teaching me. what am i supposed
to be learning? let me learn it. Selah

(shh....listen to it.)

but something has to give, right. something needs to be done.
wake up o sleepers!
whats that one 'bumper sticker'? -- "god: aren't you a little old for imaginary friends?"
brilliant. but what makes weed anymore real, you dont stay high forever. what makes
coke less imaginary. it leaves you shortly after with a crash. beer, you piss out. how is this
real? if it leaves so shortly after. now im not trying to get into any sort of statement. i cant
stop people from doing this or that and Lord knows ive done my share of it too. but maybe
if we just ask ourselves why. what are we looking for when we start packing these bowls
and opening these bottles. heating these coals. what if we stopped and said, why? what
are we looking for. what are we trying to escape. how can i deal with this.

why am i still depressed over this guy who dumped me? this girl? he was a scumbag
and a liar and she never loved me. why do we than insist on getting so hung up and
down and in despair about it than? why do we want to be sad? why do we want to hurt
ourselves. plunge into darkness? what are we looking for? what are we trying to hide
and escape from?

why are you diving so fast and deep into a relationship? saying this is love. he is the one.
she is the one. after only a few days, weeks, months? dont get me wrong. i am all for love
and all of that. i never used to be. but i am. and im not anti it. im not any relationship.
im not trying to convert or save anyone. im just saying lets think...for ourselves. lets poke
holes in things, not to be dicks or cause trouble but to see if it stays. unharmed. if it holds up.
shouldn't we first love and behappy with ourselves first. so that we are in a relationship of
want and choice. not need and dependency. shouldn't we look for healthy ones that challenge
us and help that fire to grow. some one to carry the fire with. not scared of honesty and truth
because its not developed on a feeling...but a choice. conscious and thought out. Selah.

but you dont get it, its different. you wouldn't understand. i cant explain it. its something i
feel in my heart. -- how many times ive heard this. how many times ive said this. and embarrassed
now for it! where does this idea come from that our heart is intune with G-d. as if they beat
in sync. this romantic idea that our heart holds goodness and light and our best intensions. that
if we feel it in our heart than it must be from G-d. what is this? doesnt Jeremiah worn us of this
idea? "The Heart is Deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Selah.

shouldnt we dive into G-d first and foremost. Your will, not mine! and i do not exist.
look through my eyes let me see me and my life as you do. teach me. show me.

anyone who is still reading. or not rolling their eyes by now. please know i dont do this like
i should and i say it to myself first. may i read my own words. and i dont want to sound crazy
or anything but also in the end i dont care. these thoughts and this entry came to be because
of arguments at home, and anger and depression in aspects of my own life. and me taking out
my bad days on one of the most constant goods in mylife besides G-d. and because of a text
message that read 'i was right, he relapsed -- he was using all last week.'

because i dont know what to do. i cant fix anything. i cant. because i dont even exist.
but what can i do? what? i can write this and hope people read it and that these arent my
words. hope that i mean them and im being honest and im not trying to sound arrogant and
hope im not just showing off on some level. i hope that i really am asking myself the whys
that i was writing about.

asking myself why i 'nothing' so many people i meet. how i dont care. and stand there like
a sociopathic serial killer who is just faking when i smile and say 'thats so good to hear!'
and 'im glad youre doing well' and 'wow, teaching special ed, thats great' when all im thinking
is 'stop spilling your beer on my shoes and your nose looks coked out of its mind'

can writing this help me? or help you, if youre still reading?
no.

it cant. there is nothing i or you can do. because we dont exist.
and i know you want me to say something cheesy and lame like
'only G-d can help' which is true. so there it is.

but maybe we can wake up. start looking for Truth. and we can bend it and poke
at it and itll stand unharmed and whole. take a stand. and rebel and revolt against
the depression that plagues us and wait for the hard rain. and above all just thank
G-d for everything. all the pain and sadness and joy and happiness. because arent
they in the end the same thing. all tools for us to use to know we are alive...but a different
kind of alive.

its like we are all waiting for a wake up call. but what if

what if the want for a wake up call
IS our wake up call.





Come now David, where's everybody going?